Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Have you Got My 1st Published Book?

At the age of fourteen, I made up in my mind that I would never do drugs, never become a whore, nor would I loose my mind and I would be a success. Why did I make such an affirmation? Well, a very significant occurrence happened at fourteen, actually several life changing events happened. The first being, I told my mother that a man we trusted had molested me for seven years. As my mother looked at me, I saw the light dim in her eyes. Not only had she failed me as a nurturer and a protector, she knew how I was feeling because she too as a child had been molested. For the first time in my life, I saw a strong woman wonder, how she could rectify this situation without worse making matters. You see, she had sensed things were not right but did not want to cause trouble by planting ideas, if she was wrong. She did not want to make the same mistakes as her mother. So this is a message to mothers, if you sense something is wrong with your child you are probably right. It is better to be safe and protect your child than to be too lenient. As I watched my mother struggled with the idea that this matter could not continue, I felt her pain. However, I wanted to be free of the horror, I had lived with for so many years, the shame that I had felt and the sheer hatred and anger that would boil out of me at the most inappropriate times. I found myself fighting for the sake of fighting. It was almost as if I was trying to control others because I had to surrender control in the still of the night to him. I remember my first fistfight in the sixth grade. I felt liberated with every blow, at this point, I realized that all my anger, my stress, and even rage could be let out on the person I was fighting. The great part about it, to me, was I did not lose, and I walked away with some sense of power. But did I really?


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